


Too Close to Home

by TheNevemore



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Angst, As you do, Drabble, M/M, rhetorical analysis hidden as a fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2015-11-29
Packaged: 2018-05-03 22:52:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5310104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheNevemore/pseuds/TheNevemore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Seunghyun watches the music video for "Loser," he realises some very important things a little too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Too Close to Home

**Author's Note:**

> As a rhetorician, I was completely fascinated by the music video for "Loser." When I started to look at the little details of the video, though, I realized that there were some elements in there that seemed too real - too raw. This one shot is a result.

The members of Big Bang had a tradition: Whenever a new music video was released, they would gather together and watch it on the big screen tv in the YG building. Today was no different. Right at midnight, they settled into the room – tubs of illicit popcorn and bags of other snacks tucked throughout the room – and sprawled on the couches together. Seunghyun somehow found himself stuck on the same couch as Jiyong and Seungri even as Youngbae and Daesung claimed the other. He pouted a little; he wanted to be beside his Daesungie. But, there was no point in complaining. Over the next few months there would be plenty of chances to snuggle the beautiful brunette – especially with how many music video releases they had planned.

Jiyong stretched languidly, his simple white tee lifting enough that pale, beautiful skin could be seen. He then folded back into the couch and snagged the remote with a lazy, practiced gesture. “Which one should we watch first?” he drawled.

“I vote ‘Loser,’” Seungri called loudly. “Get the sad video out of the way and then laugh at you and T.O.P in ‘Bae Bae.’”

Daesung just shrugged; he was always too accommodating. Striking a pose, Youngbae playfully puckered his lips at Seungri. “You just want to admire my sexy long hair on repeat,” he teased.

“Oh yes,” Seungri pretended to swoon. “Take me away, Bae Bae. Let’s ride off into the sunset together!”

Jiyong simply smacked Seungri’s stomach before pulling up the video for “Loser.” “Alright, idiots, let’s watch the video. And Ri, pass me the popcorn. No, not that one. The one with the butter. I’m going to need it to put up with you and your loud mouth.” Once the tub was settled safely in Jiyong’s laugh, the sassy leader pushed play.

Seunghyun remembered how the song – and the video – had come about. One night, Jiyong had sat down with him on the balcony while they shared a smoke. The leader had turned just enough to look at him and asked, “Seunghyun… What’s the worst thing that could happen to you?”

He had hesitated. Oh, he had thought about it before, sure, but speaking the answer out loud made it feel too real. His mind went to wine-soaked nights where everything blurred together: the drunken calls to radio stations, performing sloshed, his bandmates carrying him home, waking up with someone he didn’t know… “Losing control of myself,” he said slowly, “and hurting the one I love.” Technically speaking, that terrible thing had already happened. Several times. But he worried that it would only get worse – that he’d continue to spiral downwards until everyone he loved was either destroyed or had abandoned him. “Destroying them through my selfishness.”

The leader had nodded and, quietly, asked Seunghyun if he would help him write one of the songs for the comeback. “I want to explore what we’re most afraid of – the worst thing that could happen to us,” he had murmured. “But I can’t write this without you.”

Seunghyun had agreed, and Jiyong had gone about collecting responses from each of the band members. When it came time to film the music video, Seunghyun was surprised when they told him the concept for his scene. He was an obsessively clean man who killed his lover when she touched him – tainting him. She had gotten too close, and Seunghyun had destroyed her for it. The scene was a manifestation of those fears he had told Jiyong, though not quite what he had meant. He would never hurt  _him_ …. Wouldn’t he?

So as they sat in the darkness, watching the video, Seunghyun began to wonder what replies the other band members had given. Jiyong had kept those relatively secret, saying he wished to respect their privacy. But, Seunghyun imagined those fears all manifested in the video the same way his own had – quietly but firmly real.

Jiyong… Jiyong was a puzzle. The shots of being alone and staring at a phone were certainly evocative of the struggles their leader faced. Standing at the top of the music industry meant that Jiyong was often alone – glorious but isolated. But, there was something in the imagery of the “wrong way” sign that made Seunghyun hesitate. He knew his friend – knew the demons he struggled with. After all, how many times had he seen Jiyong look at a handsome man and then murmur, “No, that’s the wrong way to feel. Stop it.” His friend and leader tried so hard to live the way his fans and YG expected him to; but, was it a nightmare Jiyong would never wake up from?

Youngbae… Of all the group members, Youngbae was the one that Seunghyun understood the least. His devotion to God and the quiet consistency of his life were worlds apart from how Seunghyun lived. If they were not in the same band, the man doubted he would be friends with the dancer. But the flicker of “sin will find you” made Seunghyun’s stomach fall a little. He had seen how Daesung and Youngbae would talk quietly together – pray together – when things became difficult. They both relied so heavily on their faith; but, Youngbae seemed afraid of what he would become without that piece of his soul. Did even the great Dong Youngbae doubt himself? The thought surprised Seunghyun. He had, perhaps foolishly, always imagined that Youngbae’s faith was as constant as the sun.

Seungri was perhaps the easiest to understand. He had spoken at length with the boy about how Seungri did not want to fall in love because the idea of having his heart broken was too terrifying. The younger Seunghyun worried what sort of person he would become if the one he loved stopped loving him. That fear was what drove their poor maknae to making so many of his less stellar choices; if he burned through countless lovers then none of them would be able to crawl inside the fleshy walls of his heart. Seunghyun both pitied and understood him, because they were too alike for their own good.

And Daesung... Daesung’s scenes hurt his heart, and he was not entirely sure why. He could remember the night they had filmed Daesung’s outdoor sequences. Jiyong had turned to Seungri and said, “Why don’t you and Seunghyun go back to the hotel? You don’t film again until morning, and you could both use the rest.” As the Seunghyuns were leaving, though, the eldest caught a glance of the twin grim expressions on Youngbae and Jiyong’s faces. He had been worried; those expressions were too close to their “crisis” faces. At the time he could not understand why they would have those expressions on their faces at a simple music video shoot.

_“What’s the worst thing that could happen to you?”_

Seunghyun stared at the screen with a frown, trying to puzzle out what Daesung’s answer would have been. He imagined it would be something along the line of Youngbae’s – that loss of faith. But he was surprised by the violence of Daesung’s sequence; there was no trace of God to be found in those bloody scenes. And then his eye caught on a small detail that made his whole body go numb. There, in the moment where Daesung lay on the ground, a simple shot of his neck filled most of the screen: His neck appeared to have scars on it like … like the ones from a failed hanging.

Without bidding, Seunghyun’s mind flew to the days after Daesung’s accident. How the boy had hid in his room – refusing to let anyone in, refusing to eat. They had thought that things got better as the boy went to church and did his habitat service. But then came the  _Healing Camp_ interview. He remembered watching the way Daesung’s lips pressed tightly together as he fought back tears and admitted, “I started having extreme thoughts. I knew it was the wrong way, but it felt like everyone was telling me to go that route.” And in another interview where the beautiful blond had said the idea of hanging himself had crossed his mind. Daesung had been suicidal.

And then he thought of Daesung’s signature song: “Wings.”

“Wings” had been written as a way to help Daesung be able to look at the fans again, to feel comfortable on the stage. Seunghyun had remembered the feeling of pride that had filled him from head to toe as Daesung had first performed that song – filling the room with brightness and light. He had thought, in that moment, that their Daesung was back. How could someone who was still upset be able to sing with so much passion and joy? But, Seunghyun had forgotten just how capable of an actor Daesung truly was. No one in the band could hide their true self from the fans the way Daesung could; the difference was night and day when Daesung was on the stage.

After that, Seunghyun had treated Daesung like he always had. Actually, no, that was not true. Seunghyun had to be honest with himself. Before the accident, Seunghyun had all but made his world around Daesung. He would sneak into the singer’s room at night, and they would cuddle or kiss before exhaustion set in. They were constantly touching, even in public. Seunghyun loved Daesung with nearly every corner of his heart. But after the accident, the great actor Choi Seunghyun was cast in  _Commitment._ Those…had been dark days. Being a method actor meant that Seunghyun immersed himself completely in the character, which made the fallout from the film so difficult. He had been the one to lock himself away – to hide. And, oh, did he drink those days away. Alcohol became the only thing that could numb the pain he had inflicted on himself by delving too deeply into a character born of suffering.

When he finally crawled out of that hole, there was a distance between him and Daesung. The brunette went on his tours in Japan, and Seunghyun became distracted in his own projects. That beautiful little world they had created together began to crack like glass under too much pressure. And Seunghyun had not even realized those cracks had formed until that sickening moment of looking at the scars on Daesung’s beautiful neck.

His gaze slipped over to the brunette, and his heart stuttered in his chest. Daesung was smiling gently to himself.

_“I’ve gotten scared of people’s eyes_  
I’m sick of crying so I tried smiling  
But no one recognizes me.”

The words poured over his eardrums, drowning out everything around him. At the concert he had not really listened to the song – just focused on the choreography and the fans – but the answer was right there. Right in the gentle curve of Daesung’s smile and the way his hair hid his eyes from view. And Seunghyun realized he had not known the angel in front of him for years. How long had Jiyong known that Daesung smiled to try and keep the darkness at bay? How long had Youngbae understood that Daesung just wanted a little light for himself? How long had Seungri tried to shield Daesung from the cruel remarks of television hosts and fans?

And how long had Seunghyun ignored the one person he was supposed to love most?

His gaze turned back to the video in time to see Daesung attacking the group of men that had beaten him before. Seunghyun frowned.  _What is he doing?_ he wondered. And then he watched the men drive their fists into Daesung, who was more muscular than any of them.  _Daesung could easily take them in a fight._ He went still.  _…Daesung could take them in a fight, if he wanted to win._

Throughout the viewing of “Bae Bae,” Seunghyun continued to sneak quiet glances at Daesung. The brunette seemed perfectly fine; the angry Daesung from the other music video was like a different man. But Seunghyun could not help but wonder what it was Daesung had told Jiyong. What had been his answer to that awful question?

When it ended, Seunghyun hung back and gently pulled Jiyong aside. He had to know; he couldn’t sleep until he knew. “What did he say?”

A delicate frown settled on the full curve of Jiyong’s lips. “What did who say when?”

Seunghyun sighed. “Daesung. When you asked him.” He cleared his throat. “You know, for ‘Loser.’”

Jiyong’s dark eyes widened slightly, and then he slowly nodded. “Oh.” His gaze trailed over to where Daesung was walking out of the room with Youngbae. “He said, ‘It’s already happened.’”

Daesung slipped his hand into Youngbae’s grip as the dancer leaned his head against his shoulder.

Seunghyun knew that Daesung was right: The worst had already happened...to both of them.

**Author's Note:**

> So, when I watched the MV for "Loser," I got to thinking about what the different elements in it meant. These reflections really lead me to think about Daesung and how he hides so much from the public. I think in a lot of ways we know the least about Daesung - that he carefully hides his true self. And it lead to this piece. It did not quite turn out the way I wanted it to, but I hope the sentiments are clear. And hopefully it makes sense.
> 
> Basically, Seunghyun lost control and hurt the one he loved - Daesung. And by hurting Daesung, he drove him right into Youngbae's arms. That was the worst thing that could happen to him. And Daesung's worst thing that could happen to him was the accident - being called a "murderer" and wanting to kill himself. Lots of ouch.


End file.
